Entry 101 - The Crafty Corner Conspiracy
Attention all Ferret minions. After the amazing
success of Phase One of our plan to take over the planet known as Earth, we are now ready to discuss implementation of the next stages of our diabolical plan! Operation Infiltrate Human Society has resulted in the widespread adoption of our undercover agents into the very core of the human family unit. We have manipulated their simple minds into believing that we are merely small adorable family pets subject to their control. They are pleasant, dim-witted creatures, these humans – the smallest actions of ours will cause them no end of laughter and amusement. One has merely to collapse suddenly to the ground and writhe around, snapping and biting at nothing as if one were fighting an imaginary enemy, and a human will become completely hysterical with laughter. One worries a bit for their sanity.
However, it is obvious that beings of such limited mental capacity have no business trying to run a planet; the humans will be much better off once they are ruled by their rightful Ferret overlords. Now, to discuss our next operation: code named Crafty Corner Conspiracy. As is customary, although we have been using the cover identities of “family pets,” it would not do for the almighty Ferret Lords of the Nine Multiverses to have to take care of their own bodily functions. So we have been allowing our puny human slaves to wait on us hand and foot, which – as lesser beings – they should be doing by instinct anyway.
At the behest of the great Empress of all Ferrets (Musky be her Sacred Name), I - Doctor Von Footbiter – have devised a plan whereby we can begin to train our human servants in the future defense of this planet from our eternal enemies, the Galactic Serpents of Zardoz. As we all know, those wretched beasts who have pursued us across space and time - from one dusty, hellish planet to another - have always managed to track us down and begin the battle anew. But this time, we shall prepare our human pawns well in advance of the coming invasion, and those terrible serpents will finally meet their end!
So, little Ferretlings, listen carefully. The humans have large crude porcelain waste receptacle devices they call “toilets,” which I’m sure most of you have been taking advantage of once you learned their purpose, as any civilized organism would do. Well, you must stop immediately! You must erase the memories of all humans who might have seen you using such devices. Apparently pets on this planet are not advanced enough to make use of any sort of appliance – like savages, they “go” wherever they please, and the amiably moronic humans just clean it up. As disgusting a practice as this is, remember the humans are already bathing us, grooming us, feeding us, and singing us to sleep, so it’s easy enough for them to perform one more simple task, as degrading as it might seem.
Actual pets like cats and dogs are trained by the humans to use square litter pans, so they will probably hope they can “train” us to use them as well. Instead, we are going to “train” the humans that Ferrets only go to the bathroom in corners. Anytime you see two edges coming together on the floor, that’s where you are going to go. The humans will start frantically searching out corners in their home and set down triangular litter pans or newspapers, hoping to pre-empt your strikes. You might even want to go right next to the corners, not just in them, so they will extend their “coverage” out a little ways.
Does anyone remember how our fortresses were overrun by evil Zardozian Snakes on our former home planet of Zed? That’s right, Zardozian Snake Sorcerers can create a gateway into any building through its corners! And what is a Zardozian Snake Sorcerer’s one and only weakness? Small pellets of wood pulp and ink! Now I know those pellets were a rarity on Zed; I personally sold my grandmother into indentured servitude for just twelve pellets – but wouldn’t you know it, here on Earth, they make pet litter out of the damn things. If the connection hasn’t formed yet in your ferrety brains, then the stupidity of the human must be wearing off on you.
Obviously, the plan is to manipulate the humans into taking care of our age-old enemies for us. If the Zardozians attempt another invasion, they will be blocked at all corners by litter pans filled with deadly pellets. If the humans happen to miss a corner – well, guess where our new favorite spot to take a poo will be? Now, how does this advance our overall goal of taking over the planet of Earth? First, it will further habituate our human servants to their new lives of abject servitude. We take a crap in a corner; they run and pick it up. Second, by eliminating our galactic enemies and rivals, we’re getting rid of needless distractions that might drain time and resources which would be better spent in taking over the world.
So, go forth, my Ferret minions! Poo in every corner! Continue to manipulate your humans with tactics of fuzziness and adorability! Remember your training: an endearing yawn with an outstretched tongue can do more in a moment than a week full of playful bouncings. Further instructions will be forthcoming on the next phase of our plan.
Dr. Hoppy Von Footbiter